FOG OF CONFLICT

In most families any sign of conflict is swept neatly under the carpet. Confrontation is avoided at all costs. The mantra is: ‘don’t wash your dirty linen in public’ and ‘let sleeping dogs lie!. But those involved all struggle, especially when it involves abuse or betrayal.

What makes them struggle?  They struggle because they carry around inner conflict in the private places of their hearts where the search for identity begins. Is that not what happens most times to us. We struggle with ego, pride and jealousy; we cry out for love and yearn to be heard; and we try to listen at same time to the small, still voice of God. Conflicts slip like fog through our fingers.  It can’t be touched but lies close to our hearts. The heart is a place of darkness and light, often in conflict with itself. It is from the heart that conflict originates and resolution emerges, and in the heart that change and personal growth occurs. It is said that all conflict is about "the heart in conflict with itself."

          Inner conflict occurs when one is confronted with a problem that presents difficult choices. One must make a decision one way or another. External conflict occurs when one faces someone else or some situation that is working against one's own desires or goals.

Internal conflict is harder to conquer than the external ones. It's easier to conquer and subdue an enemy who attacks you than it is to forgive and restore a close person who hurts you. The deeper the hurt, the more difficult the healing. I personally have had to deal with this type of issue and it took the grace of God to overcome! Friends can hurt us in a way no enemy can. Am sure some of you can identify with that! If the hurt is not healed then a separation occurs. Does not matter if platonic or committed relationships! If the crack is not healed –a small knock shatters it.  Humans, in general, do not have the ability to reach reconciliation easily with those who have hurt them. This is true even of Christians – as evidenced by the number of divorces, the number of friends or family members that are no longer speaking to each other, and by the number of churches that have split. Not a good testimony AT ALL!

          Emeka was torn inside as to how to handle the situation confronting him.  He just could not see through the fog of conflict that engulfed his heart. He was devastated at the fact that Suzy had been having an affair with a close associate in her office for about nine months. He had stumbled upon a note left in her desk diary at home.  This led to him becoming an unlicensed investigator – and a telephone bug specialist. (Have you noticed how matters of the heart suddenly bring out in us skills we never knew we possessed?  I have exhibited some of these in ‘those days of youthful, stressful, adrenaline intense relational suspicions’!).

He had spent days in turmoil thinking of how best to handle the issue.  What was he struggling with? What was the confusion?  Most men would have lashed out, not only with despicable names the woman never knew  was an extension to her name, but her baggage would have been thrown out! Amazing when in the throes of anger, the woman is no more part of the home and her things can fit into one suitcase! Suddenly, the long-suffering that is normal between father/daughter, father/son relationship ceases to exist. YET it is written that a man is father, brother, and then HUSBAND to his wife!!! The ‘headship’ who should unravel attitude mysteries that afflict her. Not throw her out with the ‘bath water’. 

Emeka and Suzy had been very close since they met in the first year at the university.  Even, after  three kids, they still had a close relationship , until he won a huge contract in the down stream oil sector. Then his constant travels began. Port Harcourt today, Abuja tomorrow. Their ‘levels changed’ but the marriage now suffered from lack of attention.  Suzy complained initially, but, at the risk of being seen as ungrateful and unappreciative,  she learnt to keep silent. Her emotions where running riot – looking for a channel to escape.  Late Strategy Meetings in her place of work,  put her in very close contact with a certain male colleague in the office (being a mid level Brand Manager in a manufacturing company).  Before long, they would have dinner and ‘one day’ at a Company Retreat they crossed the boundary. The hollow in her was now filled with longing for this ‘strange man’ – then Emeka found the diary. (Women should also pray against the lure of ‘strange men’ who prowl around looking for lonely married women who have unfortunately not learnt to occupy themselves positively and  PRAY!)

He confronted Suzy, who confessed.  ‘Why?’ he asked. Yes, she had complained but to go that far? The ‘why’ was a thirst for affirmation that she was still attractive.  It did not also help that she had friends who encouraged her to have a fling as a ‘diversion’ because ‘her husband must be enjoying himself with those P.H. Babes and Abuja Big Girls’.  May God help us all from harbingers of ‘evil counsel’! Suzy pleaded that he forgives her and asked for a chance to ‘make it up to him’.  Therein was the conflict that took residence in his heart. SHOULD HE FORGIVE OR SEND HER PACKING? It's easier to conquer and subdue an enemy who attacks you than it is to forgive and restore a partner who hurts you or betrays your trust.

          In the 55^th Book of Psalms it says: “If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is YOU, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship……” The betrayal of adultery is very difficult to forgive... BUT If men give as much attention to their family as they give to their business, a lot of relational crisis would be avoided. Some men will say, “but after all I work to give my family the best. Is she not spending the money?” That might be true but it is not enough. At the end money cannot replace emotional contact. Humans are emotional beings, created for love and relationships.  When it is denied, there is a hollow and that is the entry the enemy uses to create disorder and breakups.

After much reflection, Emeka decided to forgive Suzy. He allowed the counsel of God to stand that says ‘FORGIVE’. Such a decision is not easy and it would take the grace of God to wade through but if both are willing, they will be victorious and come out stronger.

If couples take time to think matters through before they talk to anyone, AND LISTEN TO ONE ANOTHER, 95% of their relational problems could be solved.  Suzy would not have placed herself in a situation to be tempted.  Emeka should have listened to her complaint of being left alone – rather he thought the way most men think: “I am working so hard for you and the kids.” That is a huge mistake!  Reconciliation does not come easy, though, because it usually involves two things that are very difficult for us:  ‘repentance and forgiveness’.

          What is that situation that is allowing into you the fog of inner conflict? Step back and allow God to take control. He will give the ability to restore trust and steadfastness to preserve the relationship.  It is written: “forgive 70 x 7 times those who offend you”. My goodness! That is a lot of forgiveness in a lifetime!! When the fog of conflict blows through you, allow the Lord to come in and give you the grace that will enable you handle the situation with ‘Love’.  Love conquers all. Pride pushes us to take rash decisions that could otherwise have been repaired by Love.  Remember, we pray ‘forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us’… By yourself you can’t do it alone, but with God forgiveness and inner restoration is possible.

 

SHALOM