DOES STRESS AFFECT YOUR SEX LIFE?

I can tell you that when I have a whole load of writing to do for different topics, I can get quite stressed out and find that my themomiter of 'patience' begins to hit the red mark...then, I move back and disengage my mind and start all over again.

Most people, with the juggling required to manage work, marriage, children and relatives, are not that pleasant to be around. And when it comes to sex, stress makes your sex life suffer. In fact, stress is one of those weird issues that can not only affect your sex life, but also be alleviated by having sex. So if you want to get rid of stress, why don't you just go havesex? .....Hmmm....Not that easy a solution!

The effects of stress are insidious. It takes a toll on your physical, emotional and relationship health, probably more than you realize. And this causes a lot of problems in relationships. Here are five ways stress can impact your sex life:

1. Stress contributes to a negative body image. Bad body image = bad sex. 
The hormones produced in association with stress can impact your metabolism. If you feel sluggish or if you gain weight (unintentionally), it can make you feel badly about your physique. If you don't like your body, it is pretty difficult to find the desire to shed your clothes and jump into bed with your partner. Lower self-image equals less sex and less sex creates relationship problems. Ideally, our relationship should enhance who we are, not make us feel more stressed. And one of the biggest stressors we can have is our relationship, if we don't take the time to nurture it.

2. Stress takes a toll on your libido.
By now, we know that hormones affect our bodies in numerous ways from childhood to adolescence, pregnancy, menopause and beyond. Cortisol is one of the hormones produced by stress, and you might have heard of it if you've ever seen those late night diet pill commercials with the image of the pixelated woman gaining weight in her abdomen. Our bodies need this hormone, but in small doses for short bursts of time. If elevated levels of Cortisol are being produced for a prolonged period of time, they suppress our sex hormones. Lower quantity of sex hormones equals lower libido.

3. Stress makes you question your relationships and your partners. 
As I mentioned earlier, when some people get stressed, they are not very pleasant to be around, and vice versa. You don't want a partner who flies off the handle and snaps at you because he or she is overwhelmed. And you don't want to be the one who incites those feelings of frustration in someone that you love. Who wants to go to bed with an emotional monster? Relationships suffer when we are stressed, especially if we stop communicating. Or if our communication consists of rolling our eyes and grunting at a loved one. Body and facial language are very clear

4. Stress can lead to excessive drinking. Excessive drinking makes for bad sex.Lots of people use alcohol to escape. Some people enjoy a little 'happy hour' drink. But this isn't about a glass of wine, a bottle of beer or a drink with one of those multi-coloured umbrellas in them. This is about excessive, prolonged drinking. More than one or two drinks a day. (And we can even debate whether that is too much.) This is the type of drinking that you probably hide from friends. It may be the type of drinking that begins long before happy hour does and goes on far later. Or it may just be one drink beyond that early, feel-good buzz.

We know that men have difficulty getting an erection when they drink too much. But what about women? As it turns out, alcohol can dull sex, making it less pleasurable. Alcohol dehydrates women, making lubrication challenging. Without lubrication, sex is painful. Without lubrication and sufficient arousal, you can kiss the idea of orgasm (or pleasure in general) goodbye. After a number of pleasure-less or mildly painful sexual experiences, you are not going to want it. Would you?  This issue of dyhydration through alcohol is at the core of complaints about painful sex.

5. Stress impacts women's fertility and menstrual cycle. When you are stressed, your hormones levels take a dive.

I mentioned stress as a factor in why our libidos suffer when we're stressed. But who would have thought that fertility would be challenged,  too? (Yes, I know what you're thinking, if you're not having sex, you're probably not getting pregnant. You're right, but there's more to this.)

Stress can impact our pituitary gland, which controls the thyroid, adrenal glands and ovaries. If your ovaries aren't functioning properly, your menstrual cycle is adversely affected. Your periods may become irregular or you may stop menstruating. (This is called 'amenorrhea' and if stress-related, luckily, not a permanent condition.)

If you are trying to get pregnant, you need to decrease your stress. Which (as I know) can be difficult, because there are few things more stressful than trying to become pregnant and not being able to do so.

So, are you ready to make some changes?  Good...when you love yourself, that which you desire will happen!
Exercise, relax, take a bath, drink ONE glass of wine (not four), and delegate some responsibilities to others. - pamper yourself.  It will make you a lot less stressful... and hopefully, a lot more enjoyable.

INTERNAL LOCUS OF CONTROL & STRESS RELIEF

Do you have 'locus of control' of your life or are you propelled by whatever life throws at you?  Okay, you ask, "what do you mean by locus of control?"  The term ‘locus of control’ refers to whether you feel your life is controlled by YOU or by forces outside yourself. 

Those with an internal locus of control feel that they have choices in their lives and control over their circumstances.  They feel they control their own destiny, rather than their fate being largely determined by external forces; conversely, those with an external locus of control feel more at the mercy of external events. 

As you may have guessed, those with a more internal locus of control tend to feel happier, more free, and less stress. They also enjoy better health (likely because they experience less of the damaging chronic stress that can come from feeling powerless), and are more satisfied with life in general. 

On the other end, those with an external locus of control are more susceptible to depression as well as other health problems, and tend to keep themselves in situations where they will experience additional stress, feeling powerless to change their own circumstances, which just adds to their stress load.

So I ask again, Do you have internal locus of control?  If you don't, then am sure your life is more of a roller coaster - buffeted by all the ups and downs that you come across.

Your locus of control can be shaped by events in your childhood or adulthood (whether you were able to have a strong impact on your environment can lead to a sense of empowerment or of learned helplessness) and perpetuated by habitual thinking patterns.

  If you feel your locus of control could use a shift here is a 5 point process to practice:

1.   Realize that you always have the choice to change your situation. Even if you don’t like the choices available at the moment, even if the only change you can make is in your attitude, you always have some choices.

2.   When you feel trapped, make a list of all possible courses of action. Just brainstorm and write things down without evaluating them first.

3.   You may want to also brainstorm with a friend to get more ideas that you may not have initially considered. Don’t shoot down any ideas or suggestions right away, either; just write them down.

4.   When you have a list, evaluate each one on a scale of 1 - 10, and decide on the 3 that has the highest marks are the best course of action for you, and keep the others in the back of your mind as alternative options. You may end up with the same answer you had before the brainstorming session, but this exercise can open your eyes to the amount of choices you have in a given situation. Seeing new possibilities will become more of a habit.

5.   Repeat this practice when you feel trapped in frustrating situations in your life. In more casual, everyday situations, you can still expand your mind to new possibilities by doing this quickly and mentally.  (Do give me a feedback.)

More Tips:

1.    Notice your language and self talk. If you tend to speak in absolutes, STOP!

2.    Phase out phrases like, ‘I have no choice’, and, ‘I can’t…” You can replace them with, ‘I choose not to,’ or, ‘I don’t like my choices, but I will…’ Realizing and acknowledging that you always have choice (even if the choices aren’t ideal) can help you to change your situation, or accept it more easily if it really is the best of all available options.

3. Your attitude affects your stress level more than you may realize.

Be positive in all that you do and if you have any need for more help, do get in touch at: +234 803395 1460 or email: lailasmd@gmail.com

Laila Stmd

Sewing, Reaping and the Seasons Of LIFE.

Sometimes you get so close to the result of your endeavours and then you give up!!!!  You throw the towel in because you have waited for the results and got fatigued.  This video by Simon Stanley will inspire you and if you have any issues still...then get in touch for some clarity coaching.

RELEASE YOUR PAST, RELIEVE YOUR STRESS

This video  is talking about stress relief is by Eckhart Tolle. Something that’s very important in achieving your goals. You have to feel good to attract the good stuff right?

I am not my past

An important lesson that I recently came to learn is: Don’t identify yourself with your past. Most of us have created believes about life based on past experiences. We tend to hold on to that, because it’s all we know. At some point in our lives we needed those patterns to survive. Now that we’ve outgrown them and we don’t need them anymore, they’re just weighing us down. They desperately keep trying to pinch you to get your attention, because they want to be released.

We tend to step in the same pitfalls over and over again. By realizing what you’re doing and why you’re doing it, you can distance yourself from it. Where normally you’d just fall into the pitfall, you can step aside, stand on the ledge and say: I know why this behaviour has become a habit, but I don’t need it anymore. It’s not part of who I am today. I no longer identify myself with it.

I am not a time traveler

A real ‘light bulb moment’ in this video – I thought – was the part where he talks about the future. This is how I like to interpret it, but I’m sure there are a lot of different ways. If you see this differently I’m happy to hear your insights.

A lot of people worry about what could happen in the future. You don’t have to stress about the future, because you’re not in the future. You’re in the present! Whatever you worry about might happen is not happening to you right now. So basically, just let it go. Wow, I thought, what an amazing insight. It sounds so easy, but sometimes you have to hear it from someone else to get a different perspective.

You might think: The future isn’t important? Isn’t that what the Law of Attraction is all about? Well, to attract what you want, you need to believe you already have it. What may look like a ‘future’ is simply a present waiting for you to choose it.  Choose to live in the NOW! 

“The distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.” Albert Einstein on time being an illusion.

WINING OVER TOXIC EMOTIONS - A JOURNEY OF TRANSFORMATION

TOXIC EMOTIONS – we all feel them and they can really affect our day.  They are not necessarily all bad as it is important that we feel both good and bad emotions in order to lead a natural healthy life.  Sometimes negative emotion can be our best friend as it forces us to admit that something needs to change in our life.

However ,when these emotions start to overwhelm us and affect our behavior regularly (such as jealousy, anger, depression, fear, anxiety, worry), which in turn might just be affecting your health,  your impact as a leader/executive, your relationships with colleagues and family, then it is time to do something about it.  This is not a matter of age...toxic emotions is not a respecter of position or age.  It could even affect the ability to make unbiased, rational rules and laws.

Many emotions are formed out of habit and can be broken in the same way.   The Transform U Workshop is not just a lecture or a training….we will teach you skills to transform and  impact your life, be it at your work, as a leader, in you marriage or relationships generally.

Knowledge comes with investment.  At less than $200…it is a worthwhile investment which normally could carry a fee of $750.00.  Invest in YOU. 

 Spaces nearly filled.  Payment 29th September, 2013, attracts a 15% discount.  Full payment at the venue on 29^th September, 2013. We start on time because the workshop follows a process of transformation.    
 I look forward to seeing you as we go on the Journey of Transformation

FOG OF CONFLICT

In most families any sign of conflict is swept neatly under the carpet. Confrontation is avoided at all costs. The mantra is: ‘don’t wash your dirty linen in public’ and ‘let sleeping dogs lie!. But those involved all struggle, especially when it involves abuse or betrayal.

What makes them struggle?  They struggle because they carry around inner conflict in the private places of their hearts where the search for identity begins. Is that not what happens most times to us. We struggle with ego, pride and jealousy; we cry out for love and yearn to be heard; and we try to listen at same time to the small, still voice of God. Conflicts slip like fog through our fingers.  It can’t be touched but lies close to our hearts. The heart is a place of darkness and light, often in conflict with itself. It is from the heart that conflict originates and resolution emerges, and in the heart that change and personal growth occurs. It is said that all conflict is about "the heart in conflict with itself."

          Inner conflict occurs when one is confronted with a problem that presents difficult choices. One must make a decision one way or another. External conflict occurs when one faces someone else or some situation that is working against one's own desires or goals.

Internal conflict is harder to conquer than the external ones. It's easier to conquer and subdue an enemy who attacks you than it is to forgive and restore a close person who hurts you. The deeper the hurt, the more difficult the healing. I personally have had to deal with this type of issue and it took the grace of God to overcome! Friends can hurt us in a way no enemy can. Am sure some of you can identify with that! If the hurt is not healed then a separation occurs. Does not matter if platonic or committed relationships! If the crack is not healed –a small knock shatters it.  Humans, in general, do not have the ability to reach reconciliation easily with those who have hurt them. This is true even of Christians – as evidenced by the number of divorces, the number of friends or family members that are no longer speaking to each other, and by the number of churches that have split. Not a good testimony AT ALL!

          Emeka was torn inside as to how to handle the situation confronting him.  He just could not see through the fog of conflict that engulfed his heart. He was devastated at the fact that Suzy had been having an affair with a close associate in her office for about nine months. He had stumbled upon a note left in her desk diary at home.  This led to him becoming an unlicensed investigator – and a telephone bug specialist. (Have you noticed how matters of the heart suddenly bring out in us skills we never knew we possessed?  I have exhibited some of these in ‘those days of youthful, stressful, adrenaline intense relational suspicions’!).

He had spent days in turmoil thinking of how best to handle the issue.  What was he struggling with? What was the confusion?  Most men would have lashed out, not only with despicable names the woman never knew  was an extension to her name, but her baggage would have been thrown out! Amazing when in the throes of anger, the woman is no more part of the home and her things can fit into one suitcase! Suddenly, the long-suffering that is normal between father/daughter, father/son relationship ceases to exist. YET it is written that a man is father, brother, and then HUSBAND to his wife!!! The ‘headship’ who should unravel attitude mysteries that afflict her. Not throw her out with the ‘bath water’. 

Emeka and Suzy had been very close since they met in the first year at the university.  Even, after  three kids, they still had a close relationship , until he won a huge contract in the down stream oil sector. Then his constant travels began. Port Harcourt today, Abuja tomorrow. Their ‘levels changed’ but the marriage now suffered from lack of attention.  Suzy complained initially, but, at the risk of being seen as ungrateful and unappreciative,  she learnt to keep silent. Her emotions where running riot – looking for a channel to escape.  Late Strategy Meetings in her place of work,  put her in very close contact with a certain male colleague in the office (being a mid level Brand Manager in a manufacturing company).  Before long, they would have dinner and ‘one day’ at a Company Retreat they crossed the boundary. The hollow in her was now filled with longing for this ‘strange man’ – then Emeka found the diary. (Women should also pray against the lure of ‘strange men’ who prowl around looking for lonely married women who have unfortunately not learnt to occupy themselves positively and  PRAY!)

He confronted Suzy, who confessed.  ‘Why?’ he asked. Yes, she had complained but to go that far? The ‘why’ was a thirst for affirmation that she was still attractive.  It did not also help that she had friends who encouraged her to have a fling as a ‘diversion’ because ‘her husband must be enjoying himself with those P.H. Babes and Abuja Big Girls’.  May God help us all from harbingers of ‘evil counsel’! Suzy pleaded that he forgives her and asked for a chance to ‘make it up to him’.  Therein was the conflict that took residence in his heart. SHOULD HE FORGIVE OR SEND HER PACKING? It's easier to conquer and subdue an enemy who attacks you than it is to forgive and restore a partner who hurts you or betrays your trust.

          In the 55^th Book of Psalms it says: “If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is YOU, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship……” The betrayal of adultery is very difficult to forgive... BUT If men give as much attention to their family as they give to their business, a lot of relational crisis would be avoided. Some men will say, “but after all I work to give my family the best. Is she not spending the money?” That might be true but it is not enough. At the end money cannot replace emotional contact. Humans are emotional beings, created for love and relationships.  When it is denied, there is a hollow and that is the entry the enemy uses to create disorder and breakups.

After much reflection, Emeka decided to forgive Suzy. He allowed the counsel of God to stand that says ‘FORGIVE’. Such a decision is not easy and it would take the grace of God to wade through but if both are willing, they will be victorious and come out stronger.

If couples take time to think matters through before they talk to anyone, AND LISTEN TO ONE ANOTHER, 95% of their relational problems could be solved.  Suzy would not have placed herself in a situation to be tempted.  Emeka should have listened to her complaint of being left alone – rather he thought the way most men think: “I am working so hard for you and the kids.” That is a huge mistake!  Reconciliation does not come easy, though, because it usually involves two things that are very difficult for us:  ‘repentance and forgiveness’.

          What is that situation that is allowing into you the fog of inner conflict? Step back and allow God to take control. He will give the ability to restore trust and steadfastness to preserve the relationship.  It is written: “forgive 70 x 7 times those who offend you”. My goodness! That is a lot of forgiveness in a lifetime!! When the fog of conflict blows through you, allow the Lord to come in and give you the grace that will enable you handle the situation with ‘Love’.  Love conquers all. Pride pushes us to take rash decisions that could otherwise have been repaired by Love.  Remember, we pray ‘forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us’… By yourself you can’t do it alone, but with God forgiveness and inner restoration is possible.

 

SHALOM