TARGETTING WOMEN: Abduction & Rape in the North-East of Nigeria - #Beyond The Hashtag

 As we get to the end of the year, there is need for reflection on certain happenings in Nigeria – focusing on the ‘vulnerable’ in our society – Women and the Girl/Boy Child. So many heinous actions by the Insurgents in the North East has given us cause for concern – not focused on one event but a totality.

On the 25th February, we woke up to the news of the slaughter of 40+ boys in Buni Yadi, Bornu State, and abduction of 20+ girls between the ages of 12 and 14.  ACTS Generation convened a ‘peaceful’ simultaneously rally of Women in 9 States of Nigeria and the UK - themed 'Nigerian Women Mourn, Walk of 6th March' - a 'first' simultaneous rally of its kind.  This move of Women broke through the barrier of ‘silence’ about Boko Haram and people became more vocal.  Also, there was a renewed aggressive action by our military – possibly due to fact that they knew that women were in sync with their efforts.

Then on the 14^th of April, we woke up again to learn that 200+ young girls were abducted by the militants, Boko Haram, from their Secondary School in Chibok, Bornu State.  Again ACTS Generation gave a call to action with a group of women who had been a part of the 6^th March Walk…thereafter, with inputs from other concerned women, the hashtag #BringBackOurGirls was adopted and two first rallies were held in Abuja and Lagos.  Thereafter, these groups took on a life of its own with continued pressure to locate and bring back the abducted girls of Chibok.  To date, 10^th December – Human Rights Day – majority of the girls abducted are still missing. 

We need to realize, however, that after the abduction of the Chibok girls, close unto 100+ girls of varying ages have been abducted to date.  So it’s not just about the girls abducted from Chibok – it’s about close unto 400+ women and girls who are still missing.  Is this action of the militants, Boko Haram, new?  Human rights advocates respond that this type of violence against women and young girls is nothing new.

In fact, kidnapping/abduction is one of the many forms of violence regularly practiced against women and young girls in developing countries. Other abuses include rape, sex trafficking, child marriages and child prostitution.  This formed the theme of a recently concluded Conference by ACTS Generation on the 27^th of November, 2014 – IC-DVSAT - International Conference on Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault & Trafficking “Emerging Issues and plausible solutions”.  A document has come out of this conference, which will be circulated to Agencies and Stakeholders.  There is a need to work in a focused manner to address the issues prevalent.

“The abduction of girls, use, misuse, abuse, selling of girls is a fairly wide practice,” said Michele Rickett, founder and chief executive officer of “She is Safe,” an organization that rescues and rehabilitates women and girls who are victims of abuse. “And, it’s only exacerbated under conflict, as in the case of the Boko Haram.”

“Often, when soldiers or terrorists of any kind go through a village, they will torch the village, take the boys and train them to kill, but take the girls and use them to do their cooking and cleaning, and for sex as well. So, that’s a pretty common practice wherever you see conflict in the world,” said Michele Rickett.

In the case of the abducted 200+ girls from Chibok, it was not conflict-as-usual attitude of mistreating women.  Coming on the heels of the  Walk of 6^th of March  and the subsequent rallies about the kidnap of the Chibok girls, the voices of human rights activists, political figures, celebrities and voices of the mothers of the abducted girls, resounded around the world and focus was brought to bear on Nigeria.  The response showed that people all over the world care about what is happening to women and girls in developing countries and conflict regions.

Nonetheless, we believe there was lost advantage of recovering the Chibok girls because it took the government two weeks to respond to the outcry to locate and bring back the abducted girls.  The more time was wasted the more the fate of the girls were sealed. Various reasons have been given as to the continued delay in ‘storming’ and rescuing the girls.  BUT, are they still in Sambissa Forest? Are we to forget the girls?  No, but there is a need to re-strategize in a broader holistic manner

For the past few decades girls have become unwilling sex partners or warriors or sex partners for militants and soldiers throughout the world.   According to a January 2013 World Bank briefing entitled Children in Emergency and Crisis Situations, “The use of girls has been confirmed in Colombia, DRC [The Democratic Republic of Congo], Timor-Leste, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Uganda Sierra-Leone, Cote d’Ivoire and now Nigeria.

Some of the girls who are abducted are forced to participate in combat operations and also subjected to sexual exploitation and abuse. As a result of this they often acquire sexually transmitted infections, including HIV/AIDS.  Some girls will voluntarily take part in combat  because it will give them a sense of power and control that they may not otherwise experience living in a relatively conservative society.  Probably also an alignment with the ‘cause’ of their abductors referred to as ‘The Stockholm Syndrome”!

The continued focus on #BringBackOurGirls Campaign is excellent BUT, one must take into cognizance that these are not the only girls and women missing.  We need to make it a more robust cry to protect the women and girls in the North-East of Nigeria from the raids/abduction by Boko Haram.

Where are all the Chibok girls?  Where are the other women, girls and boys who have been taken by force?  Realistic imaginary – pregnant, married off, sold, murdered, brainwashed to be suicide bombers, the list is endless of the savagery and inhuman approach of militants like Boko Haram.

Our focus, I believe,  should be a unified cry to:  #ProtectOurWomenAndGirls in the North-East, and #RespectWomen.  I think this is the clue to keeping these issues alive – to find a lasting solution to the activities of Boko Haram in the conflict areas of North-East of Nigeria.  That is the passion that will raise awareness to the urgency of breaking the cycle of violence, abuse and human rights violation.

So what do we do?  What can the government do to assist?  Survivors of such raids, abductions/kidnappings are often sigmatised and abandoned by partners or families if they return back home – condemned to extreme poverty, often with dependent children – whilst the perpetrators of these crimes may never be brought to justice.

I outline below several recommendations aimed at eliminating sexual violence against women and girls in the North-East:

·      all stakeholders in the fight against violence, including the international community should continue to condemn violence against women and girls in any circumstances and involve women fully in any peace processes and reconstruction programmes

·      the government must provide immediate and effective assistance to victims of violence against women and take steps to prevent future violations against women - to also put in place a 'Survivors Fund' for rehabilitation of survivors of violence and abuse.

·      it must commit to taking concrete measures to end impunity for violence against women and ensure that human rights defenders can carry out their legitimate human rights work without fear of retaliation or punishment; to pass the 'Violence Against Women' bill; also domestication of the Convention on the Elimination of all forms of Discrimination Against women - CEDAW which was ratified in 1985.

·      it must support efforts to agree an international arms trade treaty to help stop the proliferation of weapons used to commit violence against women and other human rights violations

·      there is need to have more programs to help women and girls to cope with the mental and emotional trauma that comes with being repeatedly abused.  Some girls abducted – both from Chibok and other areas – have found their way back.  What is really on ground to assist them past just ‘talk’?  What about the reverse offshoot of parents who now decide that it is better to ‘marry’ off their girls rather than run the risk of abduction.  But is this really the answer?  In a country like Nigeria?  We are not in the dark ages!!

The post- traumatic stress on these girls really does call for a concerted effort for after-care -- to get them into a safe and predictable location where they can receive physical nourishment, emotional nourishment. And for their broken spirits to be healed as well.

Laila St. Matthew-Daniel

Visionary – ACTS Generation

www.actsgeneration.org

THE DECOY OF EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION

                                                                    Lies and deceit kills the soul 

How could I have been so stupid as to fall for that?  How come they believe such obvious lies?  What happened that we didn’t see that it was a con? Have you found yourself or anyone saying this?

There are emotionally manipulative people of varying degrees all around us.  Whilst growing up you might think that you are immune to psychological manipulation that other people fall into.  Can never happen to you, right?  But part of truly maturing as an individual involves understanding how you also are led by the environment, influenced by others, and driven by the needs you have as a human being.

Human beings can be manipulated precisely because we share innate psychological characteristics that render us ALL susceptible, to a point.  Although, like any other weakness, some people are naturally more prone to succumb, while others have higher levels of immunity to the external pressures that can make us do things we would normally never think of doing.

But assuming that we are already “immune” is naive and the surest path to being a victim of manipulation. 

Basic Human Needs

We all have innate human needs.  If your fundamental psychological needs as a human being are not being adequately met, then, unless you understand precisely what’s happening and respond appropriately, you will be motivated to latch on to any source that appears to satisfy these needs.

Some of your basic human needs include:

·      The security of a safe environment in which to grow.

·      A sense of autonomy and control of your life.

·      A sense of self-worth earned through creative problem solving and the achievement of personal goals. 

-    Being a part of a broader, likeminded community

·      A sense of status within social groupings (which includes feeling important or respected in some way).

·      Being emotionally connected to certain people (family, friends, etc.).

·      Meaning and purpose arising from being able to make a difference.

If any of these basic needs are not sufficiently met in your life, you will feel inexplicably attracted to anyone or anything that promises to supply what is lacking.  The awareness that this is happening can save you an incredible amount of trouble.

Most times the gullible people are disgruntled people who were not leading satisfying lives or meeting their basic needs in healthy ways.  People facing uncertain times or uncertain futures, people with low self-esteem and negative self-images, and so forth.  The cult leader will hold out the promise of certainty, social acceptance, community, self-respect, purpose and greater gift.

Universal Applicability and Susceptibility

If your needs are not being adequately met in a healthy way, and someone or something comes along that promises to supply all of your needs in one convenient package, then that can seem pretty irresistible. (Happens in affairs)

Rational Justifications for Irrational Behavior

We all need some level of quality attention and strive to meet that need in various ways, but our thirst for it can blind us to the demonic aspects of the person (or entity) that’s tempting us.  Our emotional drive is so powerful that it will enlist the help of the conscious mind to invent compelling, logical arguments to support what we feel compelled to do. 

Weapons of Influence and Manipulation

There was a study by famous social psychologist Robert Cialdini which identified a set of principles which he called the “weapons of influence”:

-    Reciprocation – “But they’ve done so much for me!”  When you feel indebted to someone, then the law of reciprocation is influencing you.   If someone constantly reminds you how much they are doing or have done for you, they are being manipulative.  It runs all the way from free samples in product marketing/advertising to someone doing an unrequested favor for you just so they can ask you for a favor in return – the aim is to make you feel obligated to reciprocate.  

 -   Commitment and consistency – If people publicly commit verbally or in writing to an idea or goal, they are more likely to honor that commitment.  We like to appear consistent and dependable to both ourselves and others (think of the disapproval heaped upon politicians who change their minds).  To suddenly stop following orders or abandon once-deeply-held beliefs can simply feel impossible to many, even in the face of mounting evidence that disproves the belief.

-   Social proof – People will do things they see other people doing.  Period.  “A thousand other people can’t be wrong, right?”  or “If everyone else is doing it then it must be OK.”  This kind of thinking is how people get swayed into being “fashion victims” as well as “cult victims.” 

-   Authority – People will tend to obey authority figures, even if they are asked to perform unjust acts.  Authority figures come in many different flavors and facades.

-   Likability – People are more easily persuaded and manipulated by other people whom they like.  But likable people might not do very likable things and that’s the problem. 

-   Scarcity - If something seems scarce, demand for it will increase.  “Limited time offer” or “while supplies last” or “only for the first 100 buyers” are all ways that the scarcity principle is used in marketing.  In manipulative relationships it may be used like this: “You will never meet anyone else like me!”  It’s subtle, but the implication is that I am rare, and therefore more valuable to you. 

4 Smart Ways to Protect Yourself

To protect yourself from the more excessive and evil manipulations of organizations and individuals, you need to:

1.     Be aware that extreme “promise of gain” and “threat of loss” are basic universal tools for manipulating belief and behavior.

2.     Understand that if your basic emotional and physical needs are not adequately met, you become more vulnerable to being manipulated by anyone willing to exploit this gap.  Just understanding this can help immunize you against becoming a victim.

3.     Observe how Cialdini’s “weapons of influence” operate in everyday life (often in benign ways) and how they are indirectly linked to basic human needs.

4.     Stay calm.  Breathe.  A calm mind can perceive the world much more clearly and objectively.

The bottom line is that there are manipulative people in this world that will try to mess with your mind, but you can defend yourself.  It’s about arming yourself with awareness.

CHOOSE to be in control of your own self:  

...Stand Strong. 

...Stay Inspired. 

...Live by choice, not by chance.  

...Make changes, not excuses.  

...Be motivated, not manipulated.  

...Work to excel, not compete.  

...Choose to listen to your inner voice, not the jumbled opinions of other.

Are you struggling with a manipulative relationship situation of any kind? What way have people tried to manipulate you? When and how did you realize this?  What did you do about it?

Write and share your thoughts and insights.

DOES STRESS AFFECT YOUR SEX LIFE?

I can tell you that when I have a whole load of writing to do for different topics, I can get quite stressed out and find that my themomiter of 'patience' begins to hit the red mark...then, I move back and disengage my mind and start all over again.

Most people, with the juggling required to manage work, marriage, children and relatives, are not that pleasant to be around. And when it comes to sex, stress makes your sex life suffer. In fact, stress is one of those weird issues that can not only affect your sex life, but also be alleviated by having sex. So if you want to get rid of stress, why don't you just go havesex? .....Hmmm....Not that easy a solution!

The effects of stress are insidious. It takes a toll on your physical, emotional and relationship health, probably more than you realize. And this causes a lot of problems in relationships. Here are five ways stress can impact your sex life:

1. Stress contributes to a negative body image. Bad body image = bad sex. 
The hormones produced in association with stress can impact your metabolism. If you feel sluggish or if you gain weight (unintentionally), it can make you feel badly about your physique. If you don't like your body, it is pretty difficult to find the desire to shed your clothes and jump into bed with your partner. Lower self-image equals less sex and less sex creates relationship problems. Ideally, our relationship should enhance who we are, not make us feel more stressed. And one of the biggest stressors we can have is our relationship, if we don't take the time to nurture it.

2. Stress takes a toll on your libido.
By now, we know that hormones affect our bodies in numerous ways from childhood to adolescence, pregnancy, menopause and beyond. Cortisol is one of the hormones produced by stress, and you might have heard of it if you've ever seen those late night diet pill commercials with the image of the pixelated woman gaining weight in her abdomen. Our bodies need this hormone, but in small doses for short bursts of time. If elevated levels of Cortisol are being produced for a prolonged period of time, they suppress our sex hormones. Lower quantity of sex hormones equals lower libido.

3. Stress makes you question your relationships and your partners. 
As I mentioned earlier, when some people get stressed, they are not very pleasant to be around, and vice versa. You don't want a partner who flies off the handle and snaps at you because he or she is overwhelmed. And you don't want to be the one who incites those feelings of frustration in someone that you love. Who wants to go to bed with an emotional monster? Relationships suffer when we are stressed, especially if we stop communicating. Or if our communication consists of rolling our eyes and grunting at a loved one. Body and facial language are very clear

4. Stress can lead to excessive drinking. Excessive drinking makes for bad sex.Lots of people use alcohol to escape. Some people enjoy a little 'happy hour' drink. But this isn't about a glass of wine, a bottle of beer or a drink with one of those multi-coloured umbrellas in them. This is about excessive, prolonged drinking. More than one or two drinks a day. (And we can even debate whether that is too much.) This is the type of drinking that you probably hide from friends. It may be the type of drinking that begins long before happy hour does and goes on far later. Or it may just be one drink beyond that early, feel-good buzz.

We know that men have difficulty getting an erection when they drink too much. But what about women? As it turns out, alcohol can dull sex, making it less pleasurable. Alcohol dehydrates women, making lubrication challenging. Without lubrication, sex is painful. Without lubrication and sufficient arousal, you can kiss the idea of orgasm (or pleasure in general) goodbye. After a number of pleasure-less or mildly painful sexual experiences, you are not going to want it. Would you?  This issue of dyhydration through alcohol is at the core of complaints about painful sex.

5. Stress impacts women's fertility and menstrual cycle. When you are stressed, your hormones levels take a dive.

I mentioned stress as a factor in why our libidos suffer when we're stressed. But who would have thought that fertility would be challenged,  too? (Yes, I know what you're thinking, if you're not having sex, you're probably not getting pregnant. You're right, but there's more to this.)

Stress can impact our pituitary gland, which controls the thyroid, adrenal glands and ovaries. If your ovaries aren't functioning properly, your menstrual cycle is adversely affected. Your periods may become irregular or you may stop menstruating. (This is called 'amenorrhea' and if stress-related, luckily, not a permanent condition.)

If you are trying to get pregnant, you need to decrease your stress. Which (as I know) can be difficult, because there are few things more stressful than trying to become pregnant and not being able to do so.

So, are you ready to make some changes?  Good...when you love yourself, that which you desire will happen!
Exercise, relax, take a bath, drink ONE glass of wine (not four), and delegate some responsibilities to others. - pamper yourself.  It will make you a lot less stressful... and hopefully, a lot more enjoyable.